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I always have check list.  A list that tells me what to do this day.  First I have to exercise, then do my homework.  I need to reach out to reach out to Anne, get Mary’s phone number.  I have rubric in my mind.  I stand over myself grading everything I say.  I never get one hundred percent.  You can’t study for life.  You screw up, but I can’t.  I just can’t screw up, because I know instantly.  The person grading me isn’t like my other teachers.  It doesn’t take her years to hand back an assignment.  It is spontaneous.  The moment I say something there is feedback.

Immediate feedback.  The kind of feedback a student never wants to read.  It is handed over on a sticky pad, and it’s results are stuck to my face.  I trip over words, I get embarrassed.  I try to pretend that I am okay, I try to recover, but I can’t, because unlike a test I can’t leave and go home.  I can never relax, because my grader never relaxes.

What if we let ourselves be judged by other’s.  What if we don’t judge ourselves.  What if we don’t get a sticky pad.  Wouldn’t we be so much better off, knowing we don’t have to be perfect.  What if we opened up to the day.  What if we threw away the rubric, the check list?  What if I woke up tomorrow without any idea what I have to say, what I have to think.  Because rubrics and check lists don’t always apply.  People forgive you, people surprise you. You can’t fit everything in life onto a sticky pad.

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