Responsibility

I’m not crying because I am sad.  I don’t mourn the loss of my iPod.  I really don’t care about the iPod, I can use my old one.  I managed to revive it yesterday.  I’m crying, because I’m not responsible.  I can’t even take care of a little piece of plastic/metal.  I can’t take care of a jacket.  I can’t take care of a pair of shoes.  Admit it, I’m a failure.

if this was the first thing that I have ever lost it would be okay.  But I constantly lose things, or I forget things.  I forget to turn in this slip.  I forgot that I won a writing contest.  I forgot my book.  It is ridiculous.  I wonder what I’m going to do when I have to take care of myself.  Will I just forget my life.  And who will be there to comfort me.  Nobody.  I will be all alone.

I can’t tell if I want that.  If I lost my iPod when I lived by myself I wouldn’t be that upset, because it would have been mine, and I didn’t owe it to anyone.  I would be able to sing and cry, and people wouldn’t depend on me.  I could have a pantry stocked with only satsuma and cottage cheese.  But I would be alone, and I would cry into the cold pillows.  I wouldn’t have people who care about me.  I need them.  I love them.  Sometimes I hate them, I hate myself, I hate the way things work, but I know that they are the best things in my life.  So I might not have responsibility, but I have the best family in the world.

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