SEEING PAST THE LIES

I don’t know what to think of you.  You make me think twice after everything I say, wishing i had thought before.  You make me wonder if this is all worthwhile.  I wonder why you make me think all of those things.  I doubt you even think about them yourself.  i probably analyze all of your moves ten times more closely than you analyze mine.

I miss the way you used to seem to look up to me.  As if I was someone you wanted to model yourself after, now you realize I have no power.  You might even look down on me, sensing the desperation behind my even exterior.  You might even have detected my lies, shocked at how low I would go.

I cling onto some hope that you see beyond that.  I know you probably can’t, I can barely see out most of the time.  I need you to say something, to help me.  I know no one else sees me, but you do, even after all my efforts.  I can see you taking my hand, and supporting me.  I can see you telling me it will be okay.  I can see you staying with me, even though no one else does.

I don’t know if you will though, because of all the things I have done to you.  Do you doubt my truth?  Do you doubt I’m even in there?  Do you think it is your imagination, trying to make you feel better?  Will you be able to see past all the lies?  I don’t think you will.  I want you to know that you aren’t the only person I’m telling those lies to.  I’m telling them to myself and sometimes I don’t even know if they actually happened or not. I keep telling myself they happened, so they did.  It is that easy.

Maybe you will be able to see past that and support me.  Maybe you will look up to me the same way you did when I was in control.  Maybe you will help me regain my truth and my power.

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